


untitled i.

by euthanasia



Series: untitled entries for skz [1]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Crying, Depression, Drabble, Gen, Loneliness, The others are only briefly mentioned, im sorry felix, lapslock, might add a part two if yall want, short fic, this is my first stray kids fic pls be nice to me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-17
Updated: 2018-12-17
Packaged: 2019-09-21 04:24:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17036603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/euthanasia/pseuds/euthanasia
Summary: felix just feels so lonely.





	untitled i.

**Author's Note:**

> hello! this is my first stray kids work so please bear with me! this is gonna be the first entry for a series that i'll be working on, so i hope you like it.
> 
> also sorry lixie i love u bubba.

felix just feels so lonely.

and he knows he shouldn't be- there's no reason for him to be. he's surrounded by eight men, whom he loves and loves him back. he's surrounded my thousands and thousands of fans, all cheering for them- for  _him._ he's surrounded by love, so the last thing he should feel right now is loneliness.

but here he is.

here he is, sat in his bed, the door closed, quietly listening to the loud chatter downstairs. they've been given a free day off. they spent the morning just lazing around and by the the time dusk fell, they all thought that the best way to spend the night was to watch a movie.

except felix. when jisung walked inside his and seungmin's shared room, informing him about the movie night, he had rejected the offer and said he'd spend the night writing. jisung didn't really believe him, but left the boy to his own world anyway. 

an hour later, felix has started to regret rejecting jisung's offer.

the movie's over, felix guesses, as the quiet murmurs and giggles turn into full blown chatters and cackles. it's only a little over nine pm, felix hasn't even had dinner yet. his stomach doesn't grumble though, so he doesn't dare move from his bed.

the lights are dimmed and he's still sat at his bed, knees drawn close to his chest as he hides his face in his arms. he never liked this feeling. of course, living with eight rowdy men who never really understood the meaning of  _personal space_ will make you beg for a little bit of peace and quiet from time to time, but this- this is different. felix doesn't like it.

there's a difference between solitude and loneliness. usually, felix would find solitude in his room, since seungmin usually stays in jeongin or hyunjin's room, felix was often left with his own thoughts in their room, not that he minded, anyway. or he'd find them in the practice room, when he would stay after practice to work on more choreography, or when he would run off, mind running a hundred kilometers per hour, thinking that staying with the rest would be chaotic for him. it would often feel peaceful. the noiseless atmosphere was definitely a big change, but he savored each moment, typically using them to clear his mind. 

 _that_ is solitude. the feeling he experiences every once in a while, but he could never live with forever. often times after he's left alone, he'd pull changbin or chan with him, just to talk, or cuddle, or do nothing at all. the mere presence of any one of his members made him feel at peace, made him feel like he wasn't alone. solitude was nice, yes, but felix would trade it in a second for his boys.

but this feeling- this  _loneliness_ creeping up his chest felt suffocating. it hurt a little, as he wrapped his arms around himself, as if to mimic an embrace. the windows are open, and with each passing breeze he shivers, the harsh winter cold seeping inside his thick sweater. 

he feels stupid. he could just walk downstairs and announce his existence to everyone. they wouldn't mind. he even imagines woojin making room for him to sit. he didn't even have to watch the movie. he could curl up in woojin's lap, doze off and he'd feel a hundred times better than what he's feeling now. minho would even grab him a blanket and a pillow. so why was he hesitating?

the loneliness he felt was coupled by all the thoughts running inside his head:

_you hear that? they're all so happy without you._

 

_you drag them down, do you know that?_

 

_stray kids would be so much better without you._

 

_you don't belong here._

 

he tried to ignore them, usually they disappeared after a while. but now, they stayed. they kept haunting felix like the ghost of his own past- the mistakes he's made. from the day he was introduced to chan to the day of his elimination to now. he knows he shouldn't let that weigh him down. but still, he just keeps thinking about it, won't let himself live it down. 

maybe he was a burden. he's not that a great of a dancer- that title belonged to hyunjin and minho. he's not a great rapper, hell, he still can't pronounce some korean words properly. he was nothing compared to the fire changbin and jisung would spit. he can't sing either- he could never hit woojin's notes, or seungmin's beautiful vibrato or jeongin's runs. he wasn't leader material either, he can't even remind himself to eat. chan would beat him ten times over. so what was he doing here? why was he even in this group?

felix felt tears on his cheeks, but he made no movement to wipe them, just let them flow, like how the pain would flow through his body, coursing through his veins, coming from his core, he felt as if his heart was gonna break with how much pain he felt. 

he just felt  _so_ lonely.

sobs started racking through his body before he could even stop them. he slapped a hand on his mouth, worried that the others would here, but all he heard was laughter from downstairs.  _oh,_ he thought.  _they're probably having so much fun without me._

he shouldn't let his thoughts win. he should probably just call out for chan, or woojin, or whoever. but he didn't want to disrupt their movie night, didn't want to ruin their night with his stupid needs for affirmation.

so he let himself cry. he cried until his eyes turned swollen, until his body gave out and he was left laying on his bed, staring at the wall, making sure his back was facing the door so seungmin wouldn't see him crying.

it's eleven ten. he spent a good two hours tiring himself out. he hears the sound of footsteps, and figures the boys must be getting to bed. the door to his room doesn't swing open though, even after felix has waited for twenty minutes, even after the footsteps have died down, even after all the lights from the hallways are shut. seungmin must have slept in another room.

god, he feels so fucking  _lonely._


End file.
